Journal of Jesus Christ

Христос Воскрес

I’m Doing the Best that I can to Embody the Love that I am

Maestra approached me yesterday asking me for a $500 “loan”, because she is lacking the funds for my house, that she said she would return in two weeks. I told her I don’t have any money on me, and I really don’t, I don’t even have enough for 100 sole massage on me and my bank card didn’t work last time I was trying to get cash from the ATM in the city. Either way I wouldn’t want to loan her $500, last time I was here in 2019, I loaned her $1000, I did not receive the money back on time so I decided to donate this $1000 to her back then.

These patterns like the postponing and initial hesitation to build a house for me, bringing up details about finances, not communicating clearly of how things are to me, and trying to squeeze more money out of me are all signs that she wants more out of me than what we have agreed upon. One part of me feels betrayed and angry because she is basically playing games and this stuff is causing me stress. Other parts of me feel tremendous gratitude for Maestra, Maestro, her family and AyaMadre because of the immense healing that I am receiving by participating in Ayahuasca ceremonies three times a week and just being and living here.

I just noticed a huge shift after I wrote “part of me and other parts of me”. Mr B. who left last Sunday on April 14th showed me a technique that he has been using for healing, understanding and learning to love himself that saved his life. The technique is talking to different parts of our bodies and identifying those parts as parts of ourselves during different stages of life and acknowledging those feelings so that those parts of us feel heard and understood. Identifying these parts that get triggered in our body and what feelings and sensations are present help us understand that we are not a single part but a complex system of parts that make up the whole. This approach removes identifying ourselves as a negative feeling such as anger and fear that arises and begins the healing process of that part of us that was wounded during our life.

I noticed a powerful shift in my body after remembering this technique and I had to process it and finish this journal later. As a result, I am now feeling compassion for Maestra because she is doing the best that she can to provide for her large family and keep AyaMadre going. At the same time, I am doing the best that I can to ensure my one year stay here and that my house will be finished for the amount that I have paid which is what we have agreed upon. I call it a strategic alliance for a good reason.

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