This morning, I was laughing about how people assume they are equals to me.
On my first day here at AyaMadre, around three weeks ago, when I walked into a kitchen, I was greeted with 4 other pasajeros, most, if not all of which, were smoking mapacho tobacco. The next day when we had Ayahuasca ceremony, I was shown that I was very displeased with people smoking mapacho in the kitchen, and wondered why it was allowed. I was already sick during the ceremony and I also thought that I may have gotten sick because I got it from another pasajero through second hand smoke. This is one of the reasons I was roaring during the ceremony, because I was expressing and releasing anger I was feeling about people smoking in the kitchen. During the ceremony, I remembered that there was an ashtray, right on the kitchen table, and I smelled it’s stench and took it out, which was disgusting.
A few days later, I asked one of the older men here, Mr. S. if he could avoid smoking near me, because I was feeling sick and didn’t want to inhale second hand smoke. This was in the area of AyaMadre where we have vapor ( plant steam baths ) which added to my frustration of people smoking in that area. He seemed to have agreed, but then returned about 10 minutes later, with a cigarette in his mouth, stood a bit further from me and smoked. I felt shocked by this act, but I let it slide, at least he wasn’t smoking right next to me.
This morning, the Ayahuasca ceremony was cancelled because of the Holy Week. I went into the kitchen to eat breakfast, after Maestra talked to us. I am sitting in the kitchen, eating my food and Mr S. walks in the kitchen with a cigarette. So I go, hey Mr S., can I ask you a question? “Yes….” Why do you smoke mapacho? He said: “I have an addiction, that is the truth.” I told him how I feel about pasajeros who pick up the habit of smoking mapacho when they come to Ayahuasca healing center. I told him that mapacho is a sacred medicine that is used by experienced curanderos for shamanic purposes of connecting with the spirit realm, protection and mind clearing and centering reasons. I told him that, just because curandero is smoking mapacho and it’s having good effects on him, doesn’t mean it’s okay to smoke it casually, especially in addictive kind of ways.
This is where he started getting defensive, and was saying things like “I smoke it because I like it”, “I only have a little bit of an addiction”, “I don’t smoke it a lot”, and “it’s different when I smoke it during the ceremony”. I told him, I always see him smoke when I see him, and that mapacho is sacred medicine that should be treated with respect, and that one should cultivate a healthy relationship with it and only smoke it occasionally, intentionally and consciously.He seemed to be at a loss of what to say, and tried to justify his mapacho use as if it’s normal. I told him how I felt about second hand smoke, and that I didn’t want to inhale the smoke from someone who is using mapacho in an addictive way.
He then began, “revealing his cards”. He said he felt disrespected because of my tone of voice when I told him to keep it down at night; this happened when I first came here. He also said “I wanted to know how he feels”, which I never did. I told him I already forgot about it and he never communicated this to me. He then said something like “I don’t pretend to be some powerful curandero, I will never be a curandero.” I interpreted this as a reference of how he feels about me and asked him to clarify why he is saying that, he didn’t know what to say and just looked at me. I told him to speak with more awareness and choose his words consciously.
We talked a bit more and the conversation ended with a prolonged silence. I then brought my dishes to the sink to wash them, and just when he was about to leave the kitchen, he broke the silence with something like “you are judging my mapacho smoking”. I reiterated that I was trying to make a point about how I feel about addictive mapacho use among pasajeros and that it affects other people, such as myself, who inhale second hand smoke.
He then lost it, and “put out all of his cards on the table”. He said these things: “Your problem is that you think you’re so clever.” “Your problem is you don’t want to be dominated, that is your problem.” “Your problem is that you feel superior to me, that’s your problem.” “You think you’re some God.”I told him that I am the most clever and the most intelligent. I told him “I am God”, and I told him that “the Truth is that I am superior to him.” He was mumbling more on his way to his tambo within my earshot, in the end, I told him “be quiet boy.”
There has been some drama between me and this man, but we have settled it, by him approaching me, and asking me for a conversation. During that conversation, that we had prior to this exchange, I told him I admire his strength and kindness about approaching me for a conscious conversation to clear things up between us. He said that he respects me and I told him the same. He also said “I try not to make waves and I’m just trying to heal my cancer.” during that conversation.
So what are the lessons for me from all of this?
When another man feels that I am more powerful than he is, that man feels threatened, because deep down, this man knowns that the only thing there is to do is to surrender to me, who is more powerful than he is. Well, to surrender is a man’s greatest fear, it means to give up control, to surrender the ego, which was cultivated during an entire man’s life. And that is the greatest fear that I have faced during my Ayahuasca ceremony on August 3rd, 2017 in the beginning of my journey with the medicine. I screamed a scream of sheer terror and surrender as I rapidly and absolutely lost all control. The Truth is, only God is in control.
So what does a man do in such a situation? Denial, ignorance, judging, pretending, playing games, lying and manipulating, dominating, violence, disrespect, running away, distraction etc. A man does everything in his egoic power to deny the Truth that he has met a man more powerful than he is.
Mr S. was planning on staying here for another three months, but I don’t think he will stay here much longer. Nonetheless, things just got a lot more interesting.
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